Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Just write

 It's been ages since I've posted on here. I guess you could say life happens. The wind has been out of my sail and my words felt a bit empty. I'm nothing if not sincere, so the reality was I just didn't have anything to say (please someone catch my husband. He will faint when he reads that.) Until last night, I am reading Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton and came across these words,

 "If, anywhere in your soul, you feel the desire to write, please write. Write as a gift to yourself and others. Everyone has a story to tell. Writing is not about creating tidy paragraphs that sound lovely or choosing the "right" words. It's just about noticing who you are and noticing life and sharing what you notice. When you write your truth, it is a love offering to the world because it helps us feel braver and less alone." 

Like a dagger, right to my heart. I felt those words leap right off the page. So I am. Awkwardly fumbling around with a "catch up" blog post 7 months later with no new decor or parties or eye candy to gift you. Just a bucket-ton of emotions and a word vomit of sensitivity and deepness way too heavy to carry alone. Warning: I haven't had coffee yet, and I haven't done yoga yet either. So crap can get ugly. 

It's Tuesday. Ehh, just Tuesday, January 27th 2015. My intention was to post a super inspiring Facebook status about seizing the day! But then I wrote the day up there and personally the date makes me sad. It was the date my parents got married 25 years ago (they're divorced.. feels like recently to me but I think it's 2 years?). I'm timid to write about how I feel today because well a lot of what's going on in my life involves others (uhhh duh? If it were just me and myself here, we'd be having a fantastic conversation about how awesome we are, eating lasagna and chocolate cake and watching Property Brother reruns.) But alas, there are characters in my life and they have stories that intertwine with mine. So I hesitate because I don't want to share their story for them. But here's the thing... My story matters too. And whether those around us want to admit it or not. Their actions, their choices, their stories.. well, they effect us and our stories. So I'm just going to share MY story in hopes that someone else that is out there doesn't feel alone. Because as much as I joked up there about it being great if I were alone, the truth is we all need someone else to be with us... you know, to agree with how awesome we think we are. ;) 

So today I have am overwhelmed. I am aware that I am blessed abundantly but also have lost greatly. I can sulk my day away. But that's not my style. Instead, I can revel in the fact that God rose the sun and I feel it's warmth on my skin amongst the cool wind. I've come to realize with the reality of what my family is today, I've lost in many many ways that make my heart feel unwhole. Most recently I've felt way too broken to "let my light shine" for others. 

I'm an adult, I get it. My parents relationship, and fights with my siblings should roll off my shoulders. I have a family of my own now and should undoubtedly own a pair of big-girl panties. Maybe I'm way too sensitive or maybe I'm still a child at heart or a hopeless romantic but the brokenness, the division, the ideal being washed away has lingered like a dark cloud. 

Often other people's response to any person in the middle of the storm is to encourage them through it. To "speed up" the process to the timeframe that we deem acceptable for the pity party. I catch my self way too often (because I'm super empathetic) trying to do anything to take away the pain from a person but to me that just doesn't feel right. Who are we to rush someone else's story? It's like when you host your child's birthday party at one of those places that allows you 2 hours. And they're all "time for food, time for cake, take the presents home to open them!" and you're left thinking... "uhhh that was the fasted 300 bucks I've ever spent". 

Okay, that's a lie. I once worked all day at an arts festival on Park Avenue only to walk past a mens store that was having a "sale". If you're familiar with Park Avenue you know that you can't even get an OJ for less $10 dollars, so sale means... the slightly less rich people than the rich people can buy this... on credit. Anyways, there was a pair of dress shoes that I imagined my husband walking in (mostly his butt but I envisioned the shoes too) and I knew he had to have them. My stomach knotted up as I saw the price and I realized it would literally be EVERY dime I just earned from working all day, but that man has spoiled me from the very beginning and I barely get to give him half of what he deserves. THAT was the fasted 300 bucks I've ever spent. But man when he wears those shoes (and anything really) I hate to seem him go but LOVE to watch him leave. ;) 

What was I saying? Oh yes, I'm a hot mess. I suppose I just want to say IT HURTS. Whatever your situation, whatever your heartbreak, whatever storm... ENDURE IT. Don't feel pressure to pretend it didn't leave its mark on you. Often times, especially as followers of Christ people expect us to be "healed" or "fixed" or "whole" constantly. That's just not true. In fact the whole reason I am a follower of Christ is because I am completely broken. He is the one who is whole. He is the rock of which I stand. He actually promised that we have troubles in this life. These troubles, these hurts, in our lives will always leave our hearts unwhole. But His love is always chasing after us. It's a love that holds all the pieces of our brokenness together.

So today, I choose to see that the sun has risen. The wind still blows. God still has control. But it doesn't have to look pretty with a bow just yet... I'm still sad. I still miss what was. I still wish things were different. I am forever different because I have lost. I don't want anyone to make it better. I just want it to be, and to embrace the lesson I'm supposed to take from it all. The constant theme that I am coming across in my devotion, Instagram feeds, and book is LOVE. How ironic. Maybe, just maybe my lesson is love. Uneasy love. Unperfect love. Unpleasant love. But fierce, unwavering, unconditional, and unending love for others will help. 

In my Yoga class, the Yogi (is that what you call the teacher? I always think of the bear, so I'll have to come up with something else to call them) has a "closing".. something super crunchy like "the light in me, acknowledges the light in you" or "eat dessert, namaste"... so I feel the need to be super cool and have a peace-out like they do:

I leave you with this: "We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full." 

 photo blogsignature_zpse04c8169.jpg