Just write

 It's been ages since I've posted on here. I guess you could say life happens. The wind has been out of my sail and my words felt a bit empty. I'm nothing if not sincere, so the reality was I just didn't have anything to say (please someone catch my husband. He will faint when he reads that.) Until last night, I am reading Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton and came across these words,

 "If, anywhere in your soul, you feel the desire to write, please write. Write as a gift to yourself and others. Everyone has a story to tell. Writing is not about creating tidy paragraphs that sound lovely or choosing the "right" words. It's just about noticing who you are and noticing life and sharing what you notice. When you write your truth, it is a love offering to the world because it helps us feel braver and less alone." 

Like a dagger, right to my heart. I felt those words leap right off the page. So I am. Awkwardly fumbling around with a "catch up" blog post 7 months later with no new decor or parties or eye candy to gift you. Just a bucket-ton of emotions and a word vomit of sensitivity and deepness way too heavy to carry alone. Warning: I haven't had coffee yet, and I haven't done yoga yet either. So crap can get ugly. 

It's Tuesday. Ehh, just Tuesday, January 27th 2015. My intention was to post a super inspiring Facebook status about seizing the day! But then I wrote the day up there and personally the date makes me sad. It was the date my parents got married 25 years ago (they're divorced.. feels like recently to me but I think it's 2 years?). I'm timid to write about how I feel today because well a lot of what's going on in my life involves others (uhhh duh? If it were just me and myself here, we'd be having a fantastic conversation about how awesome we are, eating lasagna and chocolate cake and watching Property Brother reruns.) But alas, there are characters in my life and they have stories that intertwine with mine. So I hesitate because I don't want to share their story for them. But here's the thing... My story matters too. And whether those around us want to admit it or not. Their actions, their choices, their stories.. well, they effect us and our stories. So I'm just going to share MY story in hopes that someone else that is out there doesn't feel alone. Because as much as I joked up there about it being great if I were alone, the truth is we all need someone else to be with us... you know, to agree with how awesome we think we are. ;) 

So today I have am overwhelmed. I am aware that I am blessed abundantly but also have lost greatly. I can sulk my day away. But that's not my style. Instead, I can revel in the fact that God rose the sun and I feel it's warmth on my skin amongst the cool wind. I've come to realize with the reality of what my family is today, I've lost in many many ways that make my heart feel unwhole. Most recently I've felt way too broken to "let my light shine" for others. 

I'm an adult, I get it. My parents relationship, and fights with my siblings should roll off my shoulders. I have a family of my own now and should undoubtedly own a pair of big-girl panties. Maybe I'm way too sensitive or maybe I'm still a child at heart or a hopeless romantic but the brokenness, the division, the ideal being washed away has lingered like a dark cloud. 

Often other people's response to any person in the middle of the storm is to encourage them through it. To "speed up" the process to the timeframe that we deem acceptable for the pity party. I catch my self way too often (because I'm super empathetic) trying to do anything to take away the pain from a person but to me that just doesn't feel right. Who are we to rush someone else's story? It's like when you host your child's birthday party at one of those places that allows you 2 hours. And they're all "time for food, time for cake, take the presents home to open them!" and you're left thinking... "uhhh that was the fasted 300 bucks I've ever spent". 

Okay, that's a lie. I once worked all day at an arts festival on Park Avenue only to walk past a mens store that was having a "sale". If you're familiar with Park Avenue you know that you can't even get an OJ for less $10 dollars, so sale means... the slightly less rich people than the rich people can buy this... on credit. Anyways, there was a pair of dress shoes that I imagined my husband walking in (mostly his butt but I envisioned the shoes too) and I knew he had to have them. My stomach knotted up as I saw the price and I realized it would literally be EVERY dime I just earned from working all day, but that man has spoiled me from the very beginning and I barely get to give him half of what he deserves. THAT was the fasted 300 bucks I've ever spent. But man when he wears those shoes (and anything really) I hate to seem him go but LOVE to watch him leave. ;) 

What was I saying? Oh yes, I'm a hot mess. I suppose I just want to say IT HURTS. Whatever your situation, whatever your heartbreak, whatever storm... ENDURE IT. Don't feel pressure to pretend it didn't leave its mark on you. Often times, especially as followers of Christ people expect us to be "healed" or "fixed" or "whole" constantly. That's just not true. In fact the whole reason I am a follower of Christ is because I am completely broken. He is the one who is whole. He is the rock of which I stand. He actually promised that we have troubles in this life. These troubles, these hurts, in our lives will always leave our hearts unwhole. But His love is always chasing after us. It's a love that holds all the pieces of our brokenness together.

So today, I choose to see that the sun has risen. The wind still blows. God still has control. But it doesn't have to look pretty with a bow just yet... I'm still sad. I still miss what was. I still wish things were different. I am forever different because I have lost. I don't want anyone to make it better. I just want it to be, and to embrace the lesson I'm supposed to take from it all. The constant theme that I am coming across in my devotion, Instagram feeds, and book is LOVE. How ironic. Maybe, just maybe my lesson is love. Uneasy love. Unperfect love. Unpleasant love. But fierce, unwavering, unconditional, and unending love for others will help. 

In my Yoga class, the Yogi (is that what you call the teacher? I always think of the bear, so I'll have to come up with something else to call them) has a "closing".. something super crunchy like "the light in me, acknowledges the light in you" or "eat dessert, namaste"... so I feel the need to be super cool and have a peace-out like they do:

I leave you with this: "We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full." 

.....me too.

Today I posted a picture to Instagram that I didn't necessarily want to. It was a picture of me in a vulnerable moment after crying. Sometimes God leads me and I question His voice, His purpose, His decision.. but this time it was clear. Share this moment. and so I did.

 Most of the time, we use this platform we have on social media to create a very controlled, very favorable, very safe image of ourselves to the world around us. We take a good 10 different pictures at different angles to get the one that shows us in the most flattering way. We post a loving and sweet declaration of love to our spouses on our anniversary's after a two day long non-speaking marathon of bickering and name calling. Our short tempered selves pose smiling and squeezed in close with our bundles of joy. The caption reads "having a blast at the park" which actually means, drowning ourselves in our phone while they run around half-way supervised because we need space from these littles that we love but are driving us so stinking bonkers that we'd rather be anywhere else at that moment. (mom guilt).

It's unfair really. For us to get to determine what we share with others. Like, our highlight reel goes online while our bloopers stay behind the scenes. It's unfair because it really makes us all feel so alone. It makes us feel like the rough days only happen to us. The sad times, the struggles, the burdens, the boredom with life, and the imperfection is only apparent in our own lives while everyone else is tap dancing on rainbows through a magical meadow of skittles and unicorns.

The truth is, the happiest of people have moments. You know, the moments where you come across a picture, a memory, a moment where it all has built up and finally spills over, a moment of frustration or disappointment, and sadness or tears fill those moments. The most joyous of them all have bad days. The very second I posted that picture I thought, I have to delete it. I don't want anyone to think, "she needs attention". I didn't want my intentions to be misjudged or to get a bunch of people asking me "whats wrong". I feel like when someone cries in front of you, you see a piece of their soul. They are vulnerable, they are open, they are humbled, they are so human in that moment. I wanted to share a tear with those on this cheese ball of a "social network" so that when someone else out there, some mom, some daughter, some friend, some husband, some person has tears pouring down their face they can say ... me too. They can see that sadness can come and its okay, but joy can come in the morning. I want to use this platform that I have, to be real. To be broken. To be hopeful. To show grace and to receive it. I want to smile with you all, laugh with you all, have joy and heartache with you all. After all, this life is better when we all experience it together...

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently then ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief... And unspeakable love." 
-Washington Irving 

If I can be the poster child for joy and happiness on here than I owe it to you to humbly share a moment of sadness. Tears are okay. Don't be afraid of hurt, grief, fear, or brokenness. The Bible promises that in this world we will have trouble, yet the greatest news is that we don't have to stay there.... "But take heart! I have overcome the world." Sweet friends, Stop. Breathe. Cry if you must. Sadness is just another emotion, you can experience it but don't like it overtake you. Pass through it like a small town on a road trip, you take in it's beauty but you keep on moving... 

Titus' Super Hero 3rd Birthday Party

Surprise! I'm back for round two in one day! Miss me? 

I'm showing you Titus' third birthday party that we celebrated over a MONTH ago. Note to self: give people their thank you cards! (I'm the worst at that. Yup, an event planner that's bad at thank you cards. The shame.)  So I know a picture is worth a thousand words and you'll probably just skim the pictures anyway sooooo without further ado. Here ya go:

Hope you liked it! Any questions just ask me! This was all really planned in about a week or two so I'd consider it sort of "thrown together" but I work best under pressure. ;) Love my little man to the moon. Happy (late) Birthday (party) Titus!

Sources:

Most paper products are Target or Party City

The printables I found on a blog via Pinterest  Here

The cookies are from my very favorite go-to cookie place The Cookie Cousins

Chairs from Kirby Rentals

Invite from 2birdstudios

Superman canvas from Hobby Lobby

Batman hired from Gotham City FX

Random Monday Post

Why hellooooo there!? It has been quite a while since I've had word vomit on here (apparently I like to sneak as many gross words into my everyday talk as possible. poop. you're welcome.) I blame my absence on my complete inability to be consistent with anything.. ever. I even was going to write a post 3 weeks ago pledging that consistency is the key to fixing my life and that I was going to vow from that point forward to be consistent. Whew. Thank God I didn't do something crazy like proclaim that. ;) So I gift you.. inconsistency with a pretty little bow on top. That I of course crafted myself out of recycled organic macaroni-n-cheese boxes... so we can just go ahead and pretend I'm being organized and crafty all at once.

In all seriousness, it's been a little crazy 'round these parts. Let's see, March 16th we left on the TRIP OF OUR LIVES to Colombia. I wanted to let everyone know we would be out of the country and post a nice farewell note because I was super excited. However, my husband advised me to not be so friendly and helpful towards all the creepers and robbers on the internet. Touché, hubs, touché. He is totally the brains.. and the looks...Why did he marry me again?! Anywho, we set off to have the time of our lives.

I'm going to do a vacation recap VERY soon, I just have to photoshop all the pictures of me in a bikini edit the pictures. One of the days we were on vacation we were so honored to be able to join a local church in a sort of "one day missions trip" on an island off the coast and in all honesty, processing that day has caused me to remain silent on here. I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't digest the sadness. I couldn't come up with words that would give what I saw the justice it deserves. So, I promise I will share it all with you, when Jesus heals my heart and gives me words.

In the meantime here's some tidbits of what we've been up to...

K5 led chapel at Sienna's school and on the big screen my sweet girl answered "God loves me because..." with "He sent Jesus to die for my sins." Proud Mama Moment.

Sometime within the last few weeks, we had a Frozen watching party. I know the Frozen obsessed fan club is a bit annoying, but I am captain of Frozen-groupies and I can't even help it. I was recently shown a few articles that showed the underlying meanings in the movie that made it not good for Christians, but I'm a firm believer in "If you look for evil, you will find evil. If you look for God, you will find God." I think there Christian themes sprinkled all over Arendelle. ;) Ps: Just for the record, I listen to Let It Go Pandora station without my kiddo and "Love is an Open Door" is my jam. A close second going to "The Happy Snowman Song" as the kids call it, and THEN "Let it Go". (sorry for the blurry iPhone pic) My girl set up everything for the party. She has the planner/detail brain that I have and I love it.

Sienna & Titus had their first soccer practices last week! It's not Sienna's first season playing, but it's been awhile so it is all fairly new to her again. Titus however, has never played before. For my hubby, the sentiment behind your son lacing up his cleats and starting their first season ever of a sport you spent your whole life loving and playing is...well, special. (Oh, and Daddy's the coach)

It was the same type of sentiment I felt when my sweet girl put on her leotard and tights for her first ballet class many moons ago. Tear.

As if she wasn't already betraying me enough by growing up too fast after promising to never get old, Sienna went and lost her 5th tooth. This tooth is a turning point though. We officially have a "snuggle tooth" as my dad always called us at this point. It was a top front tooth, and I don't know what it is about those two top teeth, but when they're replaced by a big gap then that baby toothed smile just disappears and they AGE SO MUCH. 

Well that post was random enough so I'll just leave it at that. I have SO MUCH more to share with you but I'm trying to practice self control so I can stop typing this and brush my teeth before lunch time you're not overwhelmed. Love you lots. Have any kiddos start sports this spring? Tell me, how do you do dinner on nights where you are at sports for all the hours of normal cooking/eating/bedtime prep? Give me your wisdom wise mamas. <3 Happy Monday!

50 years young

So when you throw parties for a living, you get crowned the "unofficial event planner" for anything possibly worth celebrating in your family. I don't mind, because I love parties and I love (most) of my family so it's a win-win. Don't worry guys, I was just kidding, sort of... not really. So when it came time for my mother-in-law to turn 50 years young (she's going to kill me for blasting her age on ze blog but I think she's a babe and it wouldn't be the first time I've upset her, so I'm risking it! ha!) I jumped at the chance to put my head together with my SILs to get the birthday planning started. 

My in-laws enjoy eating out at their favorite restaurant Armando's together & my MIL is a classy candle lit dinner type of gal so we opted for intimate and elegant. The anchor to the dinner decor was that table cloth. oooo that table cloth. I'm no photographer AT ALL so ignore the fact that the lights are adjusted differently in every single one of the pictures below. It was night people, and there were candles. Not to mention I'm only an amateur photographer on a good day. 

See that adorable picture of her when she was little there. How cute right? We took old pictures and lined the table with them in frames.

I sent my SIL a picture of my cart full of decorations at hobby lobby and she somehow ordered the perfect matching cake. Isn't it adorable?! It's by Annette's Cakes in Orlando and it was the perfect dessert!

It's placed on a hat box to give it some height and I just love it to pieces. Oh yeah, and it was yummy. 

Candles, candles, candles. You can not go wrong with candles. (just in photographing them... helllllo yellowness)

Look at my MIL as a baby. Everyone signed the white photo mat as a guest book.

Peonies. My favorite (since before Pinterest). One of my first jobs was a flower shop. Started my love for events. and flowers. and all things pretty.

And you can't read the words, because I'm awesome and they're blurry. But I put the words to an Elvis Presley (her favorite) song from the year she was born on there. 

...and this is where she really kills me. This picture below is of my in laws on their honeymoon. Look at how tiny she is! Zoom in, because you're going to want to see her legs. RIDICULOUS!

This girl couldn't hang. 

And this guy resorted to iPad entertainment.

\

This right here was the point of the entire night. Look at her laugh. She deserves it. She has THE best laugh, because if you're really funny- she'll throw a snort in the end. LOL Happy Birthday to my Mother In Law, the woman who raised the best man I know. After being together for 8 years, I know she's a saint for getting him through the first 16 without me. ;)